Raw

My hiatus from the blog world need not be explained really. I don't have an obligation to earn a paycheck with this blog nor do I have many consistent readers who wake up every morning anxious to hear from my heart. Well, besides my family.....you know who you are. ; ) But, nevertheless.....explain I will.

In the time that has passed between my last post and this morning as I sit here, rain falling outside my window and thunder rolling in the distance, I have had three very significant things happen to me.

I got pregnant.

I miscarried at 7 weeks.

I questioned my belief in a good God.

Many women miscarry. Many women never experience a full term pregnancy or even the joy of a sweet baby. I am well aware of my blessings.

I am also well aware of my struggles.

I have written in the past about my struggle after I had Miriam with post-partem depression. I have also written about Daniel losing his job and moving in with my parents. I was honest in those posts. I could still see God working in our lives. But, after the miscarriage, I was angry.

No longer did I see the goodness in those things. It took me months to completely bond with my daughter. I was depressed, hopeless, sad. We then had to pack up our possessions, most being put in storage and move humbly in with another family; completely aware that we would be somewhat leaning on their support both emotionally and financially. I don't even remember what it was like to be our little family of three. Also in that period of time between having Miriam and moving in with my parents, Daniel and I faced the rockiest time in our marriage.

I no longer saw God's goodness in those things.

As naive as it may be, I really thought that having children may be the one avenue in which God chose to bless us. We get pregnant easily. Have good pregnancies and healthy children.

I don't feel as though we deserve that anymore than anyone else, but I thought that maybe....just maybe, in the struggle department of life.....our cup was full.

And if you think that this is going to be a post with a redeeming message at the end about how Jesus came to me and comforted me in my time of need, you may not want to keep reading. I am still working through those things.

The real reason it has been so long since my last post is because I just didn't know what to do. I didn't want to write about losing my baby. But, it really didn't feel right to gloss over it.

The only goodness I have seen in it so far is sharing in the pain of others who have had my experience.

I also came to some conclusions about God which bring me some comfort.

Yes, He allows bad things to happen to everyone.

No, I am not immune.

Yes, He allows those things to happen in order to draw you closer to Him.

No, I don't like that one bit.

Yes, I still believe that Jesus died for me out of love.

No, I don't believe He is punishing me.

Yes, I believe that there is a constant battle with Satan for our souls.

No, I don't believe that God is evil.

Those conclusions took quite awhile and quite a bit of seeking from my heart. I also am pretty sure that they were the results of quite a few people praying for me.

Ultimately, it came down to this. God doesn't make bad things happen. He is not the source of evil. So, if that's really true. And I really believe that. Wouldn't that mean that He is good??

So, there's the explanation of my hiatus. And the searching of my heart.

Messy. Unedited. Raw.

Now, with that taken care of, I feel I can now resume posting "normal" things like Miriam's trip to the zoo and her first Easter egg hunt.